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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Women Friends

As I approach 41, I'm doing a little soul searching. Not the 'Where is my life going? Will I ever find love?' type of searching. I'm good with that. I'm talking more social interaction soul searching, such as 'Why don't I get along with most other women?'

I recently switched desks at work and it was a good move. I now sit by myself in a little hole and I love it!


And I can honestly count on one hand the number of female friendships I have. And the weird paradox is that most of my followers on this blog and ones that follow me on Bloglovin' are 99% female. But I only share snippets of my life with you. You've never met me in person. We share a common interest - fashion, although many of you have told me how much you enjoy my writing style and that I make you laugh. Am I like this in person? Yep. But I'm even raunchier. I'm skeptical, goofy, and pissy. I will give you my honest opinion even if you didn't seek it out. I don't have time for sugar coating things with people. I'm also shy and introverted and typically won't say hello unless you've addressed me first. A lot of people mistake that character flaw as conceited or bitchy. I'm quick to criticize but hate it in return. I'm also fairly intelligent and think most women I come into contact with are missing a few bulbs. I'm a quick talker and jump to different subjects and will often finish your sentences before you realize it's what you were going to say. I don't make time for mindless dribble, slow talking, and people that can't rise to the challenge of bettering themselves. If I'm in a conversation with a slow talker, I lose interest. If it's superficial babble, I'm already in my head entertaining myself with my own thoughts.

And don't get me started on women liking football and beer. Paleeze! Do you really? Or is it just a carryover from sorority days or an excuse to bond with men? I detest cliques and sororities fall into that realm. I don't play games at parties (yawn) and I really can't stand talking on the phone.


Wow! I sound like a dude.

So as you can see, not a lot of bonding opportunities for me with other females. I have no qualms of doing things by myself. Eating at a restaurant alone? No problem. Going to the movies alone? Sure. Going shopping alone? Fine with me. I don't need the company of a pack of women to go to the bathroom. That's actually a big pet peeve. I'm not going to the bathroom to talk and there is no need to sit in the stall next to me and keep me company. Distance yourself, please. I have business to do.

And yet after all this, I'm actually going to tea with a lovely friend from high school who happens to share the same birthday as me. It's a mother, daughter, sister thing and the six of us are driving to the tea room on Saturday in a rented limo, drinking vino on the way over and back and catching up on what's been happening in our lives after 20+ years. And next Friday, I've been invited to an after work dinner party with three other co-workers (all female). Not to mention lunch today with those same three co-workers.

So I guess my personality isn't totally repulsive. Otherwise I'd be a complete hermit. And I think that I hold the women that come in and out of my life at high standards. If you say you will be somewhere, if you invite me someplace, if you say you are going to do something, then do it. I've had too many females completely flake out on me.

The other aspect at this age that I don't share with other women is children. I don't have any so I can't really relate to those that do. It was a personal choice as I don't believe it's the natural course of life for everyone (marriage, children, etc.). I love my weekend sleep, I love being able to just pick up and go without having to find a babysitter, I love that I can spend money on myself, read a book or magazine whenever I want, and enjoy a hot bath in the evenings. I have adorable nephews and one niece that I like spending time with, but not necessarily 24/7. I see how frazzled parenting makes people, how restrictive their wallets get, and the strain raising children cause on a marriage. I also see the joy of it, but it's just never been a looming want. If it were to happen, I'd embrace it with open arms but I think that ship has definitely sailed at my age.

If I offended anyone today with my words, I apologize. Sometimes I hold back on what I really want to write about for fear that some of you won't like what I have to say and will therefore find someone else to follow. But I have to say that as much as I like seeing Chloe's outfits from The Chloe Conspiracy, what really draws me in is her writing. I love that she doesnt' hold back. She spits out whatever is on her mind and it's flippin' refreshing, thought-provoking, and entertaining. And if I lived in Colorado, I'd stalk her until she agreed to be my friend. No, I'm kidding. Sort-of.


 
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23 comments:

  1. I also find superficial talks in the office quite silly.I'm also an introvert person and have a great time on my own.This christmas I felt kind of lonely and the need to connect more.I have my husband and kids to connect and then my colleaques and a few neighbours to socialize but not real connection.To me this is enough but I'm not sure if it's the right way to socialise.
    I was thinking that if I found people to connect for a certain cause the bonding would be better.

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    1. That's what I was thinking, too. And so I went on to www.meetup.com that my husband suggested so I could find some groups with common interests. I'm doing a dinner with a group of ladies on the 24th in downtown St. Pete. I don't know if I'll connect with any of them but the food is good and I just adore the downtown feel. When I get in a group of people, I tend to be very reserved and not speak up. However, wine will be flowing so I'll be more likey to just be myself.
      Niki

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  2. "If I offended anyone today with my words, I apologize." If you offended anyone with your words....they need to get a life. Seriously. All that you've written is who you are. I can't see where that could, or better yet, should offend anyone.

    Be yourself....some people will like you, and the ones that don't...oh well. The people that are my friends are not carbon copies of me. They have certain qualities that attract me....and yet they don't all share the same qualities. Some are more outgoing and funny and others are more sedate and serious. They do all share the qualities of honesty and integrity. Those are essential to having healthy, functional relationships.

    The working situation you've described sounds like high school. I have fond memories of high school, nothing tragic happened to me...but Bill Gates doesn't have enough money to make me EVER go back to that peer pressure hell!

    Yes, we are seeing only a portion of you on your blog, and maybe if you were to be more yourself some of us wouldn't like you as much....conversely, maybe others would like you more. In the end being yourself is your only option.

    Julie


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    1. Well stated, Julie. Okay, no more holding back. What you see is what you're gonna get. Get ready! I'm about to unleash and just go for it. You with me? LOL!

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    2. Go for it, I'm with ya!

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  3. I hear ya. I have two close friends (in another state) that I see several times a year. I truly enjoy spending time with my family...husband, furbabies, parents, brother & family. I am not close with the women I work with at all. In fact I would rather work with guys because they are usually not moody, backstabbing and say what they mean.

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    1. Amen, sister! I've always gotten along better with men than women.
      Niki

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  4. Write as yourself, I'd rather read raunchy but real over sanitized and guarded. I haven't worked in a office in 2 years (yup, baby and at 41 no less...) but hated the nonsense of people keeping tabs on you, the parties/showers/secret santa crap. And this was with people who have advanced degrees; not dim bulbs! I do share a great working relationship and friendship with some women in my field who are like minded. So we aren't all bad.

    And for the record I do actually like beer, and while I don't really follow football, I love love love baseball. Its got nothing to do with boys; my husband goes to games with me simply to see if he can rile up the opposing teams spectators, he couldn't tell you who is playing, who is winning or what the count it.

    In closing, be you.

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    1. OMG. When I hear Secret Santa or White Elephant exchange, blah blah blah. Gag. I actually had what I thought was a pretty good idea for a little holiday lunch w/in the department. Bahama Breeze in Tampa (overlooking the Bay) was offering up gift cards to everyone when you booked a holiday lunch. I mentioned it about 6 weeks out to my boss. I got back, 'Cute idea.' The QA dept. ended up going to PF Chang's for a holiday dept. lunch. Guess what we did? Sit in a training room eating breakfast pizza and chatting. Oh what fun it is to... blech! I surfed Zara and bought some stuff.
      Okay, so that's good, you're liking sports for all the right reasons, not to try and fit in. I'm sorry, I just can't do beer. I've tried all kinds and I can't drink it. But give me a glass of wine anyday!
      Niki

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  5. it's funny. i will turn 43 this year and am struggling with some weird life decisions as well. part of it for me is career based. i feel the need to DO so much more with my 'job' and the time i invest. i want meaning. i am also struggling with the female friend thing. i have a few. i can't figure out why i don't fall into certain groups/networks more than i do. on paper, there are a number of women that i am 'friendly' with, yet i am not included in their lunches/brunches/cocktail parties. why? i have no clue. some of them have children, some don't-i do not. sigh. the older i get the more everything seems to remind me of high school again. really.
    well, now that i have vented all over your blog! just want you to know i enjoy you. your writing is fun and you take risks with fashion. i be if i lived in florida, or if you lived in the burgh, we'd hang out. and NOT go to sporting events. i am with you there, sister.

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    1. Exactly. "I'm good on paper, bad in b..." No, no. That's not the right quote. LOL!
      Yeah, I can't figure it out, either. I mean, we're the total package, right? Smart, funny, and cute should take us pretty far in life. ;-)
      Maybe it's just that now we are older in the workforce and we are no longer the 'kids' on the job. I actually feel like the 30 somethings view me as an old maid.
      So you live in da 'burgh, eh? Well... my stepfather is from da 'burgh. My godmother lives in Canonsburg and I have tons of relatives scattered in Washington, Bethel Park, etc. I used to travel every summer to Canonsburg. When I lived in CT, I would drive the 10 hours there to visit for the 4th of July each year. And I bet you go out of your mind not liking sporting events. Good god, it's all about the Steelers. My version of a Terrible Towel is one that's been hanging in my shower after a couple of days! ;-)
      Niki

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    2. oy. the terrible towel! i moved to pittsburgh 7 years ago for my husband (what we don't do for them, huh?). its a cute city. not where i would like to spend the rest of my life, but okay for now. we live on the northshore, close to downtown. biggest pittsburgh pet-peeve: every frickin bar/restaurant has a TV in it to watch some sort of sporting event. ugh. :-)

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  6. Oh, I could have written this post myself. I'm a total introvert and probably seem very stand-offish to people. I try, believe me, I try to be more open but most of time, I just don't care what anyone else is doing. I like to do my own thing. And, that includes going to a restaurant by myself or a movie. Doesn't bother me a bit.

    I also despise talking on the phone and prefer email as it's on my time and my choice. A phone call is intrusive (unless it's an emergency).

    So no offense here .. write what you please :-)

    Monica
    www.pear-shaped-gal.com

    PS: I read the top 5 posts and really enjoyed them as well !!

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    1. Thanks, Monica! Glad to know there are more people out there like me. I'm introverted until I get to know someone (or there's wine involved - then I'm a fun, giggly drunk). I'm all about email and text. It's quick and easy. I don't have to fill awkard pauses as I would in phone conversations or feel obligated to laugh at something that wasn't funny. Or spend 30 mins talking about... well really nothing. And yet I used to spend 2+ hours on the phone when I was a teenager (cause it beat writing a letter!) LOL.
      My idea of a good weekend afternoon is going shopping (alone), buying myself something fab, and then going to PF Changs, sitting at the bar, having a lovely glass of wine with some orange peel beef while I surf the net. And then I come home to my lovely hubby and doggie. :-)
      Niki

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  7. I think you and I are kindred spirits. I hate talking on the phone; who has time for it? I have no children and don't want any. Love my two nieces but love my time on my own as well. I love bellying up to a bar on my own for dinner or going to the movies solo. I take no offense to anything you've said.

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    1. Ugh. I hate when I hit reply and it puts it in a new comment. See below:

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    2. As a former Bostonian .. born & raised now living in San Diego .. I think I'll go check out your site ;-)

      Monica
      www.pear-shaped-gal.com

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  8. I knew we were from our previous discussion, Lissy. That's why I said if you are ever close to Tampa/St. Pete, let's meet for lunch. Plus I love NYC and Boston and wouldn't mind visiting a friend up there from time to time. :-) I sure hope our shoe sizes are the same while I raid your closet. ;-)
    Niki

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    1. not to crash your thread here, but i think the three of us may be sisters from another mister! so happy i stumbled on to both of your blogs. perhaps i should start one as well ;-)

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  9. Not everyone was built to be the big party animal. How would we as a species ever have accomplished anything if all we ever did was gab over the water cooler? I'm pretty social, but I made myself that way to compensate for the fact that my family moved frequently and if I was going to have friends I had to make them quickly. But naturally, I feel very close to only a few people. I can't really change that that's what's most comfortable to me.

    I can't tell from your post if you are satisfied with yourself but wish that your workplace was a little more sympathetic to your natural inclinations, or if you are feeling lonely and wishing it was easier for you to get your light social needs met. Because there's nothing wrong with a little bit of honest superficiality. Even Virginia Woolf alternated her "serious" works with much lighter, easier ones. And snarky is funny if you keep your eye on the Golden Rule. So like yourself how you are, but go easy on the people who annoy you, because we are all beautifully different from one another!

    I like your writing (and I've said so before). So while I'm not sure we would be friends in real life, just because circumstances don't really favor it (I have three kids who absorb me... and TOTALLY GET why anyone would not want to take on the responsibility of one or more children), I enjoy your blog, I check it regularly, and I like you how you are. :)

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    1. Thank you, Cindy. I appreciate that.

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  10. Eh, you are how you are and I can relate to being introverted. I work in a R&D department that happens to be down the hall from Sales and Marketing (Dilbert, anyone?) The women who work in R&D -- the chemists, the scientists, the so-called "nerds" -- and I get along GREAT! No time for silliness, no cliques, wicked humor and terrible puns, great good-natured debates on meaningful topics, etc. The women in the other department seem to spend most of their time talking about each other and being catty. I can't get with that.

    What I'm saying is not to give up or compromise who you are. It took me forever to find "my group" and they accept me as I am as I do for them. You just need to find kindred spirits. Not all of my group are married, have kids, or even like men, but somehow we all get along just fine. Beautiful thing, really, and I enjoy their company because we all bring different things and viewpoints to the table.

    I like your blog because you're not dressing like chicks on most of the other ones. Seems like I keep seeing the same outfits over and over -- skinny jeans, that bauble necklace in various colors, cardigan, and boots. Just make sure you keep true to yourself. When you start trying to fit in you start to look like everyone else. How boring.

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    1. And to think I almost bought the J Crew imitation bauble necklace on ebay! Staying true to myself won't be hard in the fashion sense as I've stood out since middle and high school. I was wearing peplum dresses and bolero jackets in high school while my friends all wore oversized sweaters and jeans with loafers or high top sneakers. I listened to alternative music and preferred the company of nerds to cheerleaders. People that lack substance didn't appeal to me back then and still don't today yet circumstances force me to work with them (until I find another job - a goal of mine in 2013).
      Niki

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